I have been a slip of an oldie, a ghost of me, wondering around looking for myself. Frantic almost, like looking for lost car keys and running late. Now where did I last see me? Under the rubble on the old chest, under the couch next to the stray flip-flop? It is a strange feeling to misplace yourself, but that is kind of what has been happening. I knew of course it was from being too busy. I am not the sort of person that can go for long stretches attending to this and that without time to sit and ponder it all. I get lonely, oh so lonely, for the company of my own contemplation.
So the other night, I bundled up in my daddy's old sweatshirt, and dragged my old self out to the balcony. I wrapped up in a soft, shaggy pinkish red blanket, pulled up my hood (April evenings are still pretty chilly in Jersey) lit a lemon candle and sat still...
I swear I felt a subtle thump as my soul settled back into its rightful spot. I have no delusions about who I am. But I still wanted me back. So what that I am and may always be in an arrested state of development? So - I am immature for my age and under-accomplished; whatever. I know for sure that my grandest gift has been my ability to love and I do that fiercely, finely, most commendably. If I die tomorrow I will know at least that I was able to do that.
Having my soul back in alignment helps me view all of humanity more tenderly. When a certain someone is being greedy, I am able to see his selfishness as fear. When someone is loud and obnoxious, I am able to see it as a cry for attention, a plea to be appreciated. I love this fleeting state. If it were permanent, I would be a saint. But I know all too well that it will fade and soon I will once again be cursing the certain someone, and rolling my eyes at the loudmouth on the train. But today, just for now - I get it. It is a great state to be in.
As I was driving home from the store parking lot, my car and I waited obediently for a woman, who looked about my age, to cross at the walkway. She didn't look up and thank me for sitting patiently for her to waddle on. On another day I would have been annoyed that she didn't smile or nod or at least lift her grocery bag in acknowledgement. But today, I just watched her cross in her too- tight, stretch pants that might have been better reserved for the privacy of her home. Her cheeks jiggled independently as she flip-flopped on by. " Awww, her butt..." I felt, rather than thought, in much the same way someone would feel about a baby duck toddling by. Her rear was so apparent, not hidden away but right there - so...so... human? A butt, different, but still basically the same as mine, two cheeks, wiggle-wiggle, the same as each and every other human being's.
I drove home enlightened, in love with humanity and all of it's failings, frailty and splendor. And to think that all it took was a glimpse at another fifty- year- old tush in motion. It is great to be "home" again.