Thursday, July 26, 2012

A Wisp of Progress

People often tell me "how far I've come".  And I look behind me and I look ahead, and I say, "Really?"  At work I hear it often. "You are not the same scared rabbit that came in here. " Gee thanks. I think.

I am still scared. And I have a long, long way to go. Mostly for practical purposes. Like earning enough to make a little nest for myself and my daughter, and figuring out a way to do it.

I am learning to believe that this will all be revealed to me. And this does not mean in a majestic moment where the clouds part and the answers are hanging there, glistening. It is not an idle revelation, but one that comes from keeping my eyes open, my hands working and my heart receptive.

So how far have I come, really? I still break out into a true, heart-pounding sweat every time I have to open an email from the ex or his lawyer. Is this being a scared rabbit, or just being a real human not yet immune to betrayal? If it didn't bother me, maybe that would be true cause for worry, and not progress at all, but a loss of my own sensitivity. Still, this sure doesn't look or feel like progress.

And I still weep, often, over not having a nest of my own, no kitchen to make tea for my flock when they are sick or weary. But I will find other ways to nurture. It is what I do best. I carry it inside and to know that I still have the strength and desire to use it, is something to be proud of. But progress? Eh, not so much; still the same in that regard.

But this morning, as I lit my incense, I said a prayer, as always for peace for my family, and the rest of the world. For three and a half years no matter how hard I tried, I knew that this meant, the rest of the world, except he and she.  But today, when I blew out the match and whispered the words, " I light this incense with a prayer for peace for my family and everyone else" - I knew that I meant them too. What a revelation. For me to wish them peace and to really mean it - is progress immeasurable. 


  1. I hope you at least got a fair settlement....although at your young age...missing another ones contribution to household income is devastating and frightening
    My girlfriend is going through this and now she found out that she had advanced breast cancer...and doesn't want him to know..afrain he'll stretch this out until she dies....I don't know this kind of betrayal....but with my kind of being I know I would be crying for weeks
    shocked that my life is not going to be the same and that I will lose my identity that I had for 40+ years....and my garden and home...I know my trees would miss me and the other wards of my garden.....but I know myself...I would you are...
    love still lingers in a systemic infection
    little by little you are finding the medicine for your being and heart...and I know all will be well....did I ever tell you I have a bit of voodoo hoodoo ability to know these things
    well I do......all will be well
    I will pray for a home to come to you
    but you already have a place to dwell
    girl hug

    1. I'm leaving soon to my job as a file clerk. A file clerk. I am 55 years old, have a useless B.S in Social Work from a hundred years ago. I was feeling so weary, until I read your comment. I miss my trees too Suz. My weeping willow that my daughter gave me a a spindly thing for Mother's day when she was oh so little, my honeysuckle and trumpet vines that wound their way around the trellises that my dad made 26 years ago. I left them all behind. I had no choice. But you made me remember that we are always home. There will be other trees to love and hopefully someone, someday will love my old ones too. Another girl and her mom might picnic under the swishing branches of the willow, making up stories of castles and queens. You are a dear one, and I am glad I found you.

    2. oh...and all night I worried that I blabbed on too much
      you are a treasure
      and I am glad that I found you
      write that book
      your talent leaks out of you from every pore
      go there

  2. Denise, I thought of you yesterday as my grandbaby and I made play dough pretzels and chocolate chip cookies. She is not yet two, but she served and pretended to nibble. I hope I get to have some of the conversations that you and your granddaughter are having some day. Hope you are enjoying this very special time.

  3. I couldn't agree more with you on your progress. I hope it brings a measure of peace. It would give me a very self-satisfied smile if I were describing my own progress with that example.

  4. Thank you so much, didn't mean to gloat, it is just that it in turn brings a measure of peace to my own life. Thanks for stopping by.

  5. I didn't have a 'home' of my own until just last year. I was living in a condo that I hated. When I went home I would get so depressed. I finally have a home now that I love and I really understand your desire for you to have a place of solitude. It will happen. Waiting is hard but it will happen. xo

  6. hey....get posting.....I want to know what's going on around there......whatz you have for breakfast...I mean really..there is always something to write about..and add in your talent.....