Monday, May 28, 2012

Babies Grow Up


 All around the house, scatter pieces of your dream come true. Photos clipped carefully from magazines of hairstyles and shoes and flowers. I see now how this dream sustained you these past two years, while you endured it here, in this temporary place with your mommy, this place that you had long outgrown. But you endured lovingly, so gracefully - bringing home tea and Diet Pepsi and butterfly mugs to make the sipping special.  I'm drinking my morning coffee out of the blue one; I always tried to give you the pink one when I poured yours, did you know that? Still giving you the pink cup, 25 years nonstop. How I love you, my little girl, all grown up. It is your time, Bird, finally, your turn. I look at all the spaces where your things are propped up waiting for you to take them. You deserve your own space. Your own alters. 

  The day after your wedding, I felt so tender, sore all around my heart that at the same time leaped with joy for the two of you. I have a friend who cannot understand, how I could feel anything but pure happiness, but it's ok, I know I am allowed to feel a little sad. We humans are complex creatures and life is rarely all or nothing. I will miss you so much, but oh how much light you and your big, loving, laughing man give off. How you belong together.  

It's a familiar feeling I have right now. Much like those early days after I gave birth to you. Feeling so very feminine, with a tender, secret ache.  Bliss was tempered with the ending of having you all to myself - knowing that I had to share you with the rest of the world, and knowing that the rest of the world didn't, couldn't ever love you as much as I do.  But guess what, Bird?  I think your laughing man might, I think he just might, and there is immeasurable relief in that.  I gave you away when you said, " I do" on a perfect day at water's edge. But your happiness, your happiness was worth it.

I am thinking now of all the times you helped me when I was too tired to stand. All the times you came through the door at the end of a long day, happy for the meals I made, and smiling, just about always smiling. And each time I knew, I always knew, I wouldn't have that forever. Today, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles,  I know that I am able to open my heart and let you go. Really truly, gladly, let you go. Because, sparkly one- in -the -middle, that's how much I love you.


  1. oh my....that was beautiful
    and means letting go..not holding on....for that is the only way they can return in joy
    Looks like you had a wonderful day too
    love those shoes...and toes :)
    now it is time to begin
    love knows no bounds

    ...for me it was the day they went off to school all hoo
    by time they were ready for marriage

  2. oh....starfish! nice touch!

  3. It was a wonderful day Suz, almost perfect. Sunny, breezy, filled with love. How are you all doing?

  4. you really want to know....I am completely drained
    of energy, happiness,joy....I knew this would come
    I have been to this place before....I let my body mind heart ache
    and then energy and life in the form of joy all around returns
    But I must acknowledge where it is now
    for my life to return to living
    I know you won't show any pictures..but give us a few descriptive morsels
    did you dance?
    oh..I just thought of what's his name dancing with Lopez
    sigh...loved that movie

  5. Hi Suz. Glad you are ok. As far as the wedding, I wish I could say that there was a handsome, unattached gentleman, long lost uncle of the groom, but...I did not really dance, but I did wiggle and sway a little bit - does that count? The day was lovely, the breeze warm, there was even a fine mist coming off the ocean during the ceremony. My daughter was radiant, so was her kind man. She danced and danced in her pink, starfish heels. My other girls glowed in short pink and ivory dresses and gave heart-felt speeches at the reception. I was so proud of them all. My dad, who is almost 90 walked my daughter down the "isle" and later danced with her to Sunshine on My Shoulder; there were not many dry eyes. It was a beautiful day for my beautiful, blonde sprite and I am ever so grateful. Thank you for asking, and in a way, sharing the day...

    1. awhhh I was there didn't you know that
      in spirit
      and I knew it would be perfect...almost
      but almost is almost unheard of
      rest now....and swaying does count as dancing
      90? wow...go get em dad
      my mom is 82 and single

  6. Oh wow...this is so wonderful. I know exactly how you feel because I felt the same thing when my girls married. And I still feel this kind of ache, this kind of sadness, when I see then in distress or arguing with their husbands or any kind of thing that might go wrong during a day. I guess we will always feel this? Will there ever be a point in life where we don't worry, don't get sad, and just know that all will be well? I'm forever wondering this. It's hard to let go completely.

    1. I am thinking Teri, that it never ends. I know my old parents still worry, still want to do what they can for their "kids." I am glad to know that I am normal, since you felt the same way with your girls. It gets easier, it does, the letting go I mean, but as far as the distress or pain they feel, I think that one will be ours too, forever. I ponder like you do,if we will ever get to the point in life to know, more than sporadically that all will be well. I guess some accomplish this, I work on it daily, but the worries still creep in. Thanks for your nice comment.

  7. Replies
    1. Until it doesn't any more, right? Or maybe even into the hereafter.

  8. Oh dear, even with 7 year old girls, I think of this often and am so grateful to have them with me now. What a lovely essay for you and your daughter to have, just beautiful.